Very often I have failed in communication. I have experienced great humiliation, pain, frustration, but this has served me to better understand my way of communicating and to be more attentive in listening.
The first thing to check is how much, of what you say, is really understood by others. Because I can be a very well-prepared person, I can have clear ideas about the content to be conveyed, I can have a great program for the situation I have to deal with, but if I do not find the appropriate mode of expression, all my knowledge might not get to the heart of the interlocutor. Beautiful words would remain, drained of the power needed to change the listener.
But what does it really mean to understand? It means absorbing what the other person conveys to me and naturally including it in my own store of knowledge, regardless of whether I can share what has been said.
In fact, what happens when you talk to a person for the first time? Generally, one tries to illustrate one’s own thinking, and the impactful other person engages in selecting the topics closest to his or her sensibilities, without listening to the heart that animates the conversation. And thus, he tends to interrupt the natural process of listening, understanding and responding, and overlays his opinion on the topic. In this case, it is not good to insist on explaining one’s beliefs; the axis would shift to “who is right of the two,” and the conversation would become sterile discussion.
So if we wish to speak to others and be understood, we must pose the problem of how to convey the information, the message: how to communicate.
And to do this well, the first thing is to know how to take notes: it is an indispensable exercise of synthesis that allows us to highlight the key words of a broad discourse and condense the information into a concept easily acquired by all.
In addressing a colleague, an acquaintance we are also called upon to observe body language, to see if there is participation or distraction, or forbearance due to role obligations, in short, the genuineness of listening and responding. So too, to the verification of how much correspondence there can be between our verbal language and our body language, to identify strengths or weaknesses in our communication: the two languages cannot be contradictory, on pain of ineffectiveness and non-persuasiveness of our communication.
When we are called upon to communicate on a personal level, or with a group, or in a meeting, it is not so important that I finish what I have to say, as it is the verification of curiosity, of the interest that I can arouse. Everyone has his or her own way of discovering and maturing.
This process is rarely considered in its entirety and is certainly underestimated for several reasons. The first: it is easier to memorize and repeat everything in an almost “aseptic” way, so you have done your homework. This is not communication it is mechanical repetition. The second: in addition to laziness in examining one’s mode of expression to improve it, there is undoubtedly the fear of not being up to the task, so-called “performance anxiety.”
Let’s see what can help us instead:
1st. Let us first learn to show ourselves to others for who we are and live authentically: we will certainly be incisive and, why not, perhaps original and engaging;
2nd. A correspondence between thought and word is essential for what I say to be credible;
3rd. Authentic communication requires passion, desire. It does not improvise and cannot “take flight” without transportation, or reach the heart without genuine feeling animating it.
4th. Without love nothing can be known: only what is known through love transforms us, revitalizes us, makes us grow and become better.
Like carbonara, so too does communication need quality ingredients: an excellent PDO pecorino cheese, quality guanciale, genuine eggs, cayenne pepper, will correspond to indispensable elements for a “tasty” mode of expression. Assuming one knows the ingredients and selects them with care, for the product to be truly quality, one must also know how to dose and blend them: there is the work of the cook/communicator, who can enhance or waste what he or she has at hand. This seems to me to be a good example…
In video and film production, we witnessed the momentous shift from analog to digital. When “magnetic tape” gave way to digital editing programs, simplifying the work and making it “domestic” through the PC, a real revolution took place!!! Gradually, my generation thought of finally getting rid of the studio and the editors who every time made the difficulties of their delicate service heavy. I decided to learn, too! At that time Apple had a program, FINAL CUT with which I took my leap of faith in order to make myself independent. The initial phase was enlightening in several respects: I understood many things about the editing process, the creativity that is stimulated by putting it into action, the wide possible choices, the development of the work according to the coordinates of my imagination, as well as, the fatigue of learning “a system” distant from my experience. But it was also useful to reflect on the relationship with my collaborators.
I would try my hand at video editing for whole days and every now and then the PC would crash. I would then resort to the “advice” of the younger generation, to my son Matthew, who seemed to have taken computer lessons already in the womb and so I often called him. He would introduce himself to me by saying, “What happened to you?” A curious and attentive look at the PC and after a while he would exclaim with mastery, “Ah yes but it’s easy…” And he would solve the problem. At least two, three more hours would pass and it would freeze again and again I would call Matthew and he would say, “Dad you haven’t figured it out yet … move over for a second!” He would wriggle for a handful of seconds and then conclude, “What’s the big deal, it’s easy,” and walk away.
I couldn’t understand myself, I felt dumb, I felt great frustration. I thought of calling a technician to avoid humiliation. But I couldn’t think of it in time that once again the PC crashed. I was trying to “skip” the learning step, with the effort it requires. And it served as a lesson for me to never have a safe doing with anyone for the skills acquired: those who strive to learn may feel discomfort if those who have to teach do not have a patient and respectful attitude. Everyone has his own learning time and must be put in the best condition to learn, without fear of judgment. I have realized that there are no easy things and difficult things; rather, there are things I can do and things I cannot do. I do not have to replace myself or present myself as a role model: once the basic rules are learned and the advice of those with experience is listened to, everyone has to go his or her own way, between failures and achievements.
I like to end with a prompt that comes to us from the great Luigi Pirandello, taken from the play “The Man with the Flower in his Mouth.” Basically, it is a suggestion to take life in hand and let it pass through us to enjoy it to the fullest:
“But there are, these days, such good apricots-how do you eat them? With the whole peel, is it true? They split in half: you press them with two fingers, for long, like two juicy lips… Ah what a delight….
Try repeating this gesture with your two fingers and taste a good apricot.
P.S. No need to tell everyone.
Massimo Ilardo
